It’s complicated

 I see you. The person struggling with Father’s Day. 

Your dad passed away years ago and you miss him all the time. 

Your dad was a jerk. 

You’ve always wanted to be a dad but it hasn’t happened for you. 

You have two moms. 

You and your dad are working through something difficult. 

You’ve made some missteps as a dad and feel guilty. 

You’re far away from your children today and you miss them. 

You don’t identify as a binary gender. 

You owe your dad an apology you’re not ready to give. 

Your dad wasn’t around. 

Your dad is terminally ill. 

Your parents don’t identify as non-binary genders. 

You have other male role models that filled the “father” role for you. 

It’s complicated. I see you. 

Holidays like this always have me thinking about who’s hurting today. Holidays can be incredibly difficult and the forced “Hallmark holidays” are often the worst. They’re mainstream, exclusionary, and rarely live up to the social pressure and hype. 

For me, my relationship with my dad has changed a lot over the years. When my parents first got divorced, I felt abandoned and betrayed. As I got older, I understood my Dad’s perspective but also felt the distance of a relationship that had been strained for many years. Now, my dad and I are much closer and I’ve come to accept our relationship as it is without wishing it to be something else. I feel grateful for the relationship with my dad that other people might be wishing they had in their lives. 

This is the second Father’s Day since losing my last grandpa. I’m keenly aware of that void of guidance, history, and love that filled my life for so many years. I feel this daily but especially as I run through my short list of people to call and buy cards for today. 

This is my husband’s 7th Father’s Day. Watching him as a dad has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I’m indescribably grateful that my children have him to look up to and grow with. 

For me, holidays like this elicit a myriad of emotions. For my own experiences but also for the people in my life that also have their own challenges to face. 

I hope that if this is a happy day for you, you celebrate with everything you have. I also hope that you reach out to someone you love who might be hurting today. Because, it’s complicated. 

The scars we choose

It’s 2019 and tattoos seemed to be more popular than ever among all demographics. But 20 years ago when I got my first tattoo people often questioned my decision to have a permanent mark on my body. Do you really have something so important it needs to be on your body forever?  How is that going to look in 30 years, 40 years, 50 years? What if you don’t like it later? 

And here’s my answer every time: our bodies tell a story. As we age we collect marks and scars that create a map of our lives. I have stretch marks from my pregnancies, a piece of graphite in my left hand from when my friend accidentally stabbed me during Spanish class in high school, a scar on my chin where I got my first stitches, chicken pox scars... and who knows how many other scars I will acquire as my life unfolds. Most of the scars I didn’t choose are about pain. My life has also been full of strength and love and resilience. My tattoos are the scars that I choose. They are the details of my existence that I select to be on my life map that is my body.   At the end of the day tattoos allow me to control the story that’s told. 

Here are some of my highlights:

Guardian Angel - my first tattoo is an angel that’s positioned on the inside of my left hip. A friend of mine drew it and my two best friends in high school and I got it together after we graduated. It symbolized our loyalty to each other and commitment to taking care of each other even as our lives took different paths. We are still this close, going on 25 years. 

Strength - I grew up in a fairly religious family that prayed regularly. My mom was pretty clear that it was wrong to pray for tangible things, greedy things, lazy things, that we shouldn’t be wasting God’s time  on trivial matters. Because I was brought up this way, throughout the hardest parts of my life there was only one thing I ever prayed for: strength. Strength to work through difficulty, to persevere, to learn from my mistakes, to forgive others. It has been central to my mental and emotional health and the symbol for strength is positioned on the center of my lower back. 

Shamrock - my family is very proud to be Irish, my grandpa in particular. When he passed, I got a shamrock tattooed on the inside on my left wrist. This was my first visible tattoo and it felt really important to me to have a reminder of him where I could see it every day. 

Punctuation - on the back of my left ankle is a vertical punctuation tattoo: dot, dot, comma. This serves two important meanings is my life: first, the three symbols represent the publication of my first three books, a huge professional milestone for me. Second, the three symbols create four punctuation marks, each with their own meaning: period, as a reminder to stop before the disclaimer “smart for a woman”, “strong for a girl”, etc. and instead own that we are simply smart, strong, etc. No disclaimers. Next, colon, a reminder to pay attention to the details, there’s always more to every story. Semi-colon, as a reminder that we are all connected. Comma, as a reminder to breath. 

Mother - at the top of my back is the Celtic symbol for mother. Inside of it is the birthstone for each of my children. 

I choose... I had this statement posted on my office wall for more than 5 years. As a reminder that I don’t always have control over every situation but I ultimately choose how I respond to it. How do we survive trauma and break the cycle? How are we not dragged down by every challenge we face. Every trial and tribulation in our lives can make us bitter or better. It’s about attitude. And conscious decision making. Every day, I choose. I choose my response, I choose to push back against adversity, and I choose to keep pushing toward my goals. I choose. This powerful reminder is now on the inside of my right wrist.

5-peak mountain - my most recent tattoo on my right forearm symbolizes my love for travel, the ten-year anniversary of my mountain hike engagement, and the publication of my fifth book. 

These are important parts of my story. But there’s more to come. More story that I need to tell through the scars that I choose. 

Teachers: Before you post your countdown to summer...

“Just 4 more spelling tests!”

“Parents, tag - you’re it!”

”Must be a full moon again!”

“Last IEP meeting!”

We get it, the last month of school is hard. You’re eager for summer, the kids are eager for summer, administration is eager for summer. At a time when jobs are scarce, teachers are underpaid, and educators across the board are undervalued, messages like these can be conveying more than you mean for them to. So, before you post your complaints publicly in your social media page for the world to absorb, please consider the following:

Teaching is the only profession that gets a long-term break from the work. Sure, you spend your summer going to PD, making lesson plans, and purchasing supplies but remember that extra time with your own family isn’t a luxury other professions get. 

When you count down to every break and summer vacation, it seems like you don’t value the job you have. You probably often look forward to being in the classroom - post about your job on those days. 

When you complain about the class, it seems like you don’t really like children. You’ve committed your life to helping children, reflect that passion.  

When you complain about one child specifically (even namelessly) we wonder if it’s our child or what our child’s teacher would say about our child. And we wonder if we should trust any of you. Before you post about a single child, imagine how that child’s parents would feel if they read it. Imagine if the child himself read your words. You are a helper, be sure your words are aligned with your actions. 

When your main focus is your breaks and days off, it’s hard to advocate for your higher pay and release time. As tired as you may be, keep your energy on the work. Don’t let the community forget how important your work is. 

Putting pressure back on parents makes it feel less like a community and more like a competition. We’re on the same team here, don’t heckle your teammates when you tag out for a bit. Have their backs because you need them to have yours too. 

Expressing your frustration publicly turns the focus away from what you do well and puts the spotlight on things you’d never put in a job description (I.e. how many holidays you have per year). You work hard, you really, really do. Please be sure your social media pages reflect your genuine passion for being an educator and for growing our children. 

We know where your heart is, keep your words there too. 

And please do enjoy your summer, you deserve it. 

(Worth noting: I am writing this as a parent but I’m also an educator of nearly 20 years.)