I Believe Her Too - Part 2

January 8^th, 2019

I wrote the first part of this post in October 2018 when Christine Ford testified against a man running for one of the highest positions in our political system. I didn’t initially publish this post for a variety of reasons: fear, vulnerability, and guilt. I understood that I was reliving previous experiences that filled me with fear. I understood that by posting this I was admitting things about my past that are hard to talk about and hard to remember and by publishing, I was inviting people to know those things about me and that made me feel vulnerable. It was the guilt that surfaced that surprised me. And at first I wasn’t sure what that was about. At times, I recognized the role I played in some of the situations I was in – but that’s not guilt, that’s self-blame. I can recall too many times that I didn’t believe what a friend told me about how they were treated or I mentally downplayed their emotional reaction to what they experienced. And I felt guilty. As I should. I haven’t always advocated for women and their safety and I felt guilty about that. As I should. I haven’t shown up where I needed to, when I needed to.

Fast forward to January, 2019 and the airing of “Surviving R. Kelly”, a documentary on Lifetime. The most blatant difference here from other cases of women and children being coerced, abused, and exploited points directly to the endemic treatment of girls and women of color. The collective “we” has not supported them, protected them, and defended them. In fact, the #metoo movement was started by a black woman in 2006 and was later hijacked by a white actress in 2017 demonstrating the systemic hoarding of power. The message for decades has been that black women and black girls are disposable.

Enough. Black women and girls are important.

This isn’t about our stories or our guilt but about doing the work. We showed up for the white women. This is a moment when black women and children victims of years of abuse have a chance to be heard, defended, and believed. As we watch this horrifying documentary unfold, we have an opportunity and a responsibility to show up and believe them too.

I Believe Her - Part 1

 October 1^st, 2018

13 years ago, I met a guy online and we picked a restaurant to meet at for the first time face-to-face. After we ordered, I politely stepped away and called my best friend to tell her this guy was who he said he was and seemed safe. 

3 years later I married him. Let me make this clearer: My FIRST interaction with my husband was an assessment to determine if he was likely to physically or sexually assault me or not. Not because he gave me any reason to think he would but because I experienced what happened when I assessed wrong. 

This past year, as Christine Ford testified against a man who violated her in the worst way and got away with it for decades, two big things happened: women everywhere had to relive the moments a man stole something from them, and many men started paying attention. I’ve lost count of the number of times in that week following her testimony when I couldn’t breathe, my throat closed, all of the muscles in my back tense, or my eyes filled with tears. Because I don’t want to remember, but I do. Because I’m angry. Because I don’t want to look at nearly every single woman and know this has happened to them too, but it has.

Watching the men in my life reeling from the events of this week, gradually but finally seeing the magnitude of objectification of and assault against women has been equally overwhelming. The moment other people recognize your reality doesn’t always bring a feeling of relief. For me, it was exhaustion from having to relive it in order for their recognition to come. It was anger that it’s taking so long for people to understand and pay attention. It was defeat in knowing that this recognition does not come with an end to the harassment and sexual assaults of women. 

My husband would describe our first interaction differently than I do - he was deciding if he wanted to date me. I was deciding if he was going to violate me. Two very different ways we encounter the world. 

Christine Ford did not win her case but she was heard. She did not overcome her attacker in a legal context but she took back her power and empowered many women to do the same. Like countless other women, despite what the headlines say, because we’ve been there, I believe her.