Our oldest son is 6 1/2 - way too young to talk about sex, right? Right?! We just had a baby four months ago so he understands a little bit and we've never shied away from terms like vagina, vulva, penis, and so on. We've been really open about bodies, but sex is an entirely different ball game, that's about sensations and relationships. When is it too soon to talk about sex? When is it too late? And how do you know?! Spoiler alert, there's no magic answer! But it's about knowing your child and know your values so we're about to explore both!
Determine your values around sex.
What is it that you truly want to instill in your child when it comes to sex? My parents preached abstinence. A completely valid emphasis and pretty standard in my Catholic community. But, like many other teens in the history of time, I did not take my parents words on faith, I challenged them and pushed boundaries, certain I knew enough to make my own decisions. I wish my parents had talked to me about respecting my body and setting high standards for myself when it came to relationships.
In our family, we value consent first. And we've modeled this in non-sexual ways from the time our children were little. Sometimes my son doesn't want a hug. I want to hug him so bad because I love him so much and I had a really long day at work and we always hug when I get home... still his body, still his choice. And I respect it every time. I could go on and on about this and maybe I will in my next post. But you get the point, in our family we think sex is a healthy normal part of being human, but first and foremost it must be something all parties agree to, every time.
Watch for cues that your child might be curious
Children are naturally curious about everything! Paying attention to what they are asking but not reading into it is really important. When a child asks where a baby comes from, they are not necessarily asking you to explain relationship intimacy. Last year when my son was five, he came to me and said, "Mom, can I talk to you? When my penis is hard, should I push it up or down when I pull up my underwear?" Come on, I have no idea! But what a great opportunity for me to recognize that my son trusts me enough to come to me and talk about his body and for me to make a mental note that he's noticing his body changing.
Pay attention to what your child and their friends are watching
Wow technology is different now than it was when we were kids! Last week we were at my son's cousins' house and after they were in the play room for a while, one of the kids casually mentioned that they were watching YouTube. My jaw hit the floor. My sister-in-law assured me that they have parental controls on but it was a big wake up call for me that we need to check with every parent about the independent, private access children have to technology and what kinds of controls are in place. The big issue here is that you can't undo what children see. Whether it is sex or violence or something graphic, we can't undo the visual, it remains locked in their memories. So prevention is key.
Ask questions but avoid leading
This is tricky. We often ask questions from our adult perspective and offer more information than we need to. Following this incident with my son's cousins I asked him if he understood that there are some things that are appropriate for adults and not for children. He said he did so I asked for examples and he said things that are dangerous or scary. This seemed like a good place to start but what I really wanted to know was if he understood that he can't watch porn but I wasn't sure if I should bring up the topic of sex. Would I be introducing something he's not yet aware of and instead of helping him understand his limits, peek his curiosity? I decided this was a good start to sorting adult vs. child content. But at some point, we're going to have to figure when and how to bring up sex as adult content.
Avoid shaming your child's ideas and body
Nothing makes someone shut down faster than shame! Bodies are interesting and weird! And if we can establish some comfort level in talking about them, we are more likely to support children in having respectful intimate relationships and they are more likely to come to us with questions. My parents never talked about bodies in useful ways. I never saw my mom in anything less than fully clothed. Bodies were meant to be hidden. My mom never even burped when I was a kid. (Come on, everyone burps.) Even more shame was placed on me when I got my period. My mom definitely made me feel dirty, handed me a pad, and warned me that I was going to be unbearable every month from then on. I carried all of these ideas into my relationships. I'm 37 and still trying to undo this internalized shame about my body.
Accept that your child is going to make mistakes
Guess what, your child is human, just like you! And part of that is making mistakes. Mistakes can be great learning opportunities or mistakes can drastically alter the course of one's life. Helping your child recognize and anticipate consequences can be really helpful. And controlling your disappointment in your child will be essential to maintaining a trusting relationship with them. My parents expected me to be perfect, they didn't help me work through mistakes, I just learned to lie better to avoid their disappointment.
Get on the same page as the other people in your parenting team
It is absolutely essential for you and the people you parent with to have an understanding of how you are going to approach this topic. It would be ideal for everyone to share the same approach but even if you don't knowing where the other person stands eliminates confusion and mixed messages for your child.
Pick the right time
Any tough topic is easier to discuss out of the moment of anger, embarrassment, frustration, etc. It is always easier to discuss something casually and hypothetically when it is not actually happening.
Additionally, it's hard to find that balance between giving too much information too soon or offering it when it is too late. It is likely that age 6 1/2 is early to start talking about sex but I was in second grade when I started acting out sex with my barbies. I also thought it was possible to get pregnant from kissing and was stressed for a very long time after an older neighbor boy tried to kiss me. Information and trusting my parents would've been really useful at that time.
Be a safe, trusted resource for your child
When my son and I had the discussion about adult vs. child content, instead of bring up sex, I asked him what he would do if he saw something that was for adults because the reality is, we aren't always going to be there looking over his shoulder. He said he could talk to an adult or walk away. Which is a great answer and I hope he'll choose one of those options. I reminded him that when he lets us know about something that was confusing or scary or strange, it helps us figure out how to help him understand.
Do your best.
All parents make mistakes, ALL of us. If things don't go the way you want them to, you will likely have another chance! Reflect, discuss with your people, and try a different approach next time. Every parent-child relationship is unique, there's no absolute right way to raise your child.
It's hard to imagine talking about sex with my baby. But not talking about it isn't going to prevent him from growing up. Finding the right way and time for us as a family to approach this issue will ensure the most likely path to him having healthy relationships with us and his future intimate partners.
