15 things

My eyes dart quickly around the space. I absent-mindedly  touch my face. I focus on my breathing but the breaths come and go and they are quick and shallow. My mind jumps from my work email, to my dentist appointment, to Christmas, to  the girl on the bus I made fun of in seventh grade, to the abrupt end to a phone call with a friend this week. My shoulders tense and my hands get clammy. 

I know I am experiencing the symptoms of anxiety. I know that no one around me knows this is happening to me. I can spend time rationalizing every worry that jumps through my mind but I know I can't keep up and I know they will keep jumping up provoking a physical reaction in me and begging for undue attention. 

This happens to me on a regular basis. I'm guessing this happens to a lot of people. I have a lot of strategies that I can use proactively to prevent the frequency and severity of these experiences. I don't consume caffeine as it triggers and magnifies my anxious feelings. I exercise regularly because it helps me work off the jittery feelings and clears my mind. I meditate regularly because it calms me and strengthens the connection between my mind and body. I pay attention to my breathing and remind myself that feelings come and go. 

But when the wave of irrational panic sets in, it's too late. I can go for a walk, I can breath thru it, I can talk to someone I trust. Sometimes these things work and sometimes they don't. And I don't know how long it will last or how bad it will get. 

I found this grounding exercise from Mommy Chat:

In the moment of experiencing anxiety, identify: 

5 things you can see

4 things you can touch

3 things you can hear

2 things you can smell

1 thing you can taste

I'm trying this and it's working. 

It's quick. It reconnects my mind and body. I can do this grounding exercise without drawing attention to what is happening to me - physically, mentally, or emotionally. 

Maybe you can relate to the feelings of anxiety or maybe you're one of the lucky ones. 

This can also work when you're stressed, when you're disoriented, or when you can't stay focused on the moment. 

And if it's not a strategy you need, it may be worth sharing with a friend. Anxiety can be silent but it can also be crippling. 

Stop, drop, and roll

As a kid I really thought this was going to be a thing. A strategy I needed to make it through life. As if it were going to be a day-to-day skill I would use like brushing my teeth. 

It turns out in my 35 years, I've never had to stop, drop, and roll. Not once. Though after a few cocktails, this might be one way to describe my less than stellar dance moves! 

But seriously, I've never caught fire and needed to react quickly with the well-rehearsed procedure of stopping, dropping, and rolling. But I have had to apply the concept in other ways. 

Throughout life we develop and refine a variety of response strategies for handling unfamiliar or stressful situations. This is a more sophisticated range than merely fight or flight. We learn to distinguish between situations in which we have time to make a decision and situations in which we need to respond immediately.  

Stop, drop, and roll is a metaphoric strategy we use when we have to act fast. 

It helps us to recognize immediate danger and to respond quickly for our own good. With this response strategy, we are able  to prioritize our safety. There are times we have to act quickly to extinguish a situation that could rapidly spread and cause more damage. 

It may not be as often as implied in elementary school but every now and then you might need to pause, assume a safe position, and extinguish a threat. For your own wellbeing.

You will be alright

"You will be alright."

Quite possibly the easiest advice to give and in the moment of difficulty the hardest to believe. Recently, in a moment of professional chaos and personal devastation, I found myself unraveling to a good friend. I was aware that my emotions were reactive but also unable to slow the snowballing momentum they had gained. 

He listened and acknowledged with genuine emotion my sadness, worries, and exhaustion. 

And then he said, "I know you know this and I know it's hard to believe right now, but you will be alright."

I was quiet for a moment. My emotions stilled and my shoulders relaxed. I immediately knew he was right. He said the thing I couldn't say to myself. Here's where I am right now. It's hard, it's uncertain, it's a little bit scary. But I will be alright. Right now, I don't know how. But I will. And I needed the reminder. The possibility of being alright was outside my blinders. Somewhere in my peripheral that I couldn't access. But this person could and he brought it back the center of my focus. I will be alright.

So, believe it or not, despite the moments when overwhelming, snowballing feelings take over, you will, indeed, be alright. 

You'll get through it, you'll recover, there's more good to come. It feels hard now, but it will get better. You will come out on the other side, stronger, braver, wiser, and better off. 

It's true. Count your years. The hard things you've faced. The number of times your emotions snowballed away from you. And the number of times you were, in the end, alright. 

So breathe, and let someone give you the easiest advice to give and let yourself believe it to be true. Bring the posseibility of being alright out of your peripheral and into the center of your focus. 

You will be alright. 

"Can you feel me hugging you?"

Last December I had the privilege and honor to hear lawyer, Bryan Stephenson, speak at the Zero to Three Conference. His presentation was so moving and inspiring, he received the most unanimous and immediate standing ovation I've ever seen. Upon my return home I immediately went to the library and checked out his book "Just Mercy". It was equally incredible.

In both his presentation and his book he tells a story of his grandma hugging him really tight and then asking "Can you feel me hugging you?" And if he said no, she would hug him harder. 

He connects this to the importance of really feeling. Of gaining understanding and doing good work through proximity. We can't impose change and solve problems from a distance. We can't reach others when we are outside. We must get closer. To challenges, to people, to areas where we want to see change. It is important to examine where we need greater proximity in our lives to empathize with others and do the work we intend to do. 

In this, Bryan is talking about seeking solutions to poverty, injustice, racism, and other risk factors for our nation's children, particularly children of color. And this might be your work too. But we can also bring this home to our personal lives. What areas of your life could use your proximity. What are you phoning in that you need to be present for? Consider how you could get closer to the people in your life, your neighborhood, your community. 

When you are apart from the people who matter the most to you, have you been so close that they can still feel you hugging them? If not, hug harder. 

A good place to start

There were mixed reviews in my social circle regarding my decision to leave the social media platform for a year. Many people reached out to say they thought about doing the same thing. Most said they were proud of me and thought this was great for me and my family. One bold friend whom I can always trust to speak her mind and be honest with me said leaving Facebook is a cop out and really I just need therapy! She's probably right. But this life-cleansing step seemed cheaper and instantaneous.

Another friend, who deeply understands why I needed to make this shift in my life has since sent me pictures of her adventures, inspiring quotes that made her think of me, thoughtful messages - the kinds of personal interactions I was craving. She also sent me a link to the most fabulous set of questions for self-reflection. Questions which I could respond to with pages and pages of thoughts and reflections - many of which would include an overlap with the reasons I left Facebook.

Here's the list:

http://liveboldandbloom.com/12/self-improvement/deep-questions-to-ask

I encourage you to spend some time on these questions. Maybe one a day.

Today I pick #60: How am I holding back love for myself?

I picked the one because I know the answer but it's a hard question to reflect on and a hard thing to change.

The first thing I have to admit is that it's really difficult for me to forgive myself. To cut myself some slack. To offer a bit of grace in a difficult time. I struggle to allow myself to make mistakes and let go of past failures. And then I carry them around like rocks in a backpack, weighing me down and challenging my ability to move forward. 

I have a tendency to see myself as the mistakes I've made rather than as the successes I've had or the changes I've made as I learned from mistakes. Or even just to accept the general human nature I possess that includes successes and failures. 

It's difficult to look at those who I've wronged or hurt and understand why they're still here, forgiving and loving me. 

I have an unfortunate mental catalog of the wrongs I've committed against others. I can see their looks of disappointment, hurt, anger, and sadness. I remember the words I used that cut too deep. I replay my hurtful actions. One moment in this mental catalog brings on the familiar tightness in my chest sparked by overwhelming feelings of shame, guilt, and self-loathing. And then I circle back to the disbelief that people in my life have continued to love me even after I've made mistakes. 

When I question the presence of the people who choose to stay with me, I'm ultimately questioning the love I deserve. 

In order to love myself, I need to first put the rocks down and shut my mental catalog. Then accept both my human nature to make mistakes and the grace that people around me so generously offer. 

So take a look at this list of questions. Where do want to start being really honest with yourself? By taking a close look at the parts that hurt or the parts of you that need the most work? Or just dip your toe in the water and start with a question that doesn't make your chest tighten?

I know I have a lot of exploring and reflecting to do. And right now, I have lots of time to do it. This list seems like a good place to start.

Go slow

I have a thing for cranes. It's strange, I know. But I can explain. 

First, clearly the explanation is long so sometimes I avoid giving it and if it comes up I’ll brush it off by saying “I just have a thing for cranes.” People often leave it at that, because well, it’s weird and who cares? My friend, A, left it at that and for quite a while was under the impression that I’m aroused by birds. I think we’ve since cleared that up. But we continue to have a good laugh about it now and then. 

Second, I find cranes architecturally interesting. They have beautiful lines, symmetry and angles. The typical contrast against blue skies or mixed into a city skyline photographs really well. I have photographed them all over the country because they are beautiful but also to capture a brief yet important moment in time that is worth acknowledging as described below. My good friend and travel buddy K knows part of any road trip is capturing these beauties along the way!

Third, cranes represent a literal change in a community – and usually a big one. Some people will feel the loss of what used to be and some people will look forward to what will be. But I think to honor both we must acknowledge and embrace the process. It’s important to respect that a lot is happening here, go slow. Instead, we often avoid the process, grumble about it, even if it is a change we are in favor of. We become too eager for the finished product to acknowledge what it takes to get there. Also, there’s no such thing as a finished product, as soon as it is “finished” it begins to deteriorate, gradually and eventually leading to the same process over again.  

Fourth, for me, cranes represent the metaphorical process of growth and change that we all go through and is essentially the process of living. All the things I said above apply – we spend too much time mourning what used to be and focusing on the outcome rather than focusing on the process. And the reality is, we are never a finished product; we’re always changing and growing. So on this level, it is a gentle reminder to be patient with ourselves and others, we’re all going through change and it is important and necessary and beautiful. With ourselves and others we need to remember, “go slow, something is happening here”. The final product is not the important part anyway – and neither are the people that find that part of you to be the most important. We are all a work in progress and we need frequent reminders to embrace that.

Last, I have issues with death, particularly our burial process. I hate the idea of people visiting me in a cemetery – because that’s not where I would be if I was alive and I don’t intend to be there in death. If people miss me I’d rather they seek comfort in going for a run, singing at the top of their lungs in their car, volunteering their time, trying something out of their comfort zone, or noticing the beauty of cranes and remembering to be gentle with themselves. Because, these are places I would actually be. I think we are closer to people we miss when we engage in experiences or memories that remind us of them. 

My friend N wrote a post in her blog vaguely about this perspective of mine and how important it is to her that she sees me in cranes and they are everywhere she goes, every city, anywhere in the country and thus I am always with her.

What is most interesting about this to me is that it means something a little different to anyone I explain it to but that’s kind of the point – for A, it is a really good hard laugh, for N, it is an ever-present connection to me and a reminder to embrace change, for K it something beautiful to photograph that makes her think of the dozens of times we've traveled together and I’ve made her pull over so I could take a picture. And these are all me. These are all ways I'd want to be remembered. 

"There's room for all of us."

A few months back, while bike riding with my family I veered left to pull up next to my husband. Unintentionally, I cut off a young black man just behind me. I immediately said "oh, I'm so sorry!!" He went around and said "no worries, there's room for all of us."

My husband assured me that he was genuinely recognizing and displaying understanding of my honest mistake. But what he said ran thru my head no fewer than a hundred times thru the duration of our ride. 

"There's room for all of us."

I feel sad, worried, and angry about the ongoing presence and power of prejudice in our country, specifically in regards to the many devastating acts of racism in 2016.
Maybe we need the reminder that there is indeed room for all of us. 

If this year has taught me anything, it's this: I can't just agree that there's room for all of us and remain comfy in my own space, I need to be aware. Of others. Of my presence. Of my biases. Of opportunities to stand up for the rights of others. This is not about defending my space but rather recognizing where others deserve space and it is being denied. Explicitly and implicitly. 

In a few short weeks, a man who has outwardly expresses his superiority over others will become our president. In the next four years, we will be subject to his bigotry and crass expression of his prejudice ideals. We will suffer the impact of his decisions and his far too widely accepted discriminating views. 

But we won't take this sitting down. We'll stand together. We'll stand for each other. There's going to be days that hurt. Moments that are difficult as we fight for rights, equality, and equity. But we will fight. We will defend the notion that all races, genders, identities, and classes belong here. Because, well, there's room for all of us.