One
of the most remarkable aspects of the work I do is engaging with teachers of
three- and four-year-olds and observing their growth as educators over time –
recognizing their passion, reflecting on their work, and always committing to
doing better. One of the really painful parts of this that I remember well
through my own training is coming to terms with who you used to be. Maya
Angelou said it best, “when you know better, you do better”. But the hard part
can be forgiving yourself for when you didn’t know better. But that’s just it,
you didn’t know. Now, as a reflective, knowledgeable person committed to doing
better, you look back and wish you had known sooner, wish you could undo the
mistakes that you made. But those little mistakes are the gifts that hold you
committed to doing better in the future.
Today
was a particularly powerful day in training as we learn new strategies for
engaging with children in difficult, emotional situations. We learn new skills
but also remember the times and the outcomes when we didn’t have these skills and
we feel guilty. I shared with them that
as a parent of a four-year-old, I get it. I can vividly recount every time I
feel like I failed him as a parent. But I’ve never counted the times I
succeeded; I carry around the mistakes. And sometimes they are heavy. But I
also know they help me to do better every time.
After
the day had ended, I spent a lot of time reflecting on the emotions of the women
in my training room today and remembering the countless times when I had felt the
exact same way as both a parent and a teacher. Always wishing I had known
better and carrying around these little mistakes I had made that help me move forward
as a wiser person committed to reflecting and adjusting my behavior.
Here
is one of the mistakes that I carry as a parent:
Reading
is really important in my family. For knowledge, for enjoyment, for bonding
with others, for life success. We read as a family, we read alone, and there
are books in every room of the house. So like many families, reading books with
our son is part of our bedtime routine. Our son can be a bit pokey around
bedtime and it is indescribably frustrating. He be-bops around, being silly,
constantly in motion, but never really towards the goal of getting ready for
bed. Surely, it seems that if one moves that much, clothes should easily slip
off and one could wiggle into pajamas. But that’s not the case. My husband and
I spend a significant amount of time reminding him to focus on his task. We let
him choose the order: potty, teeth then jams, or jams, potty, then teeth. No
amount of reminders or shared control will speed this little guy along.
So
we impose a logical consequence and we bargain with our only token: books. We
gently remind him that if it takes too long to get ready, there may only be
time for two books instead of three. Or if things are going really slow, there
may only be time for one book instead of two. He loves to read so on most days,
this is enough. Well, one night out of
pure frustration and eagerness to get to my adult, post-child-bedtime agenda, I
threatened no books. He tested my threat and needless to say, we didn’t read
any books that night. He cried. My heart ached. And I was immediately filled
with regret for taking away something so simple, for compromising something so integral
to our family values, for sacrificing our precious opportunity to spend a few
minutes rocking and snuggling, for putting my agenda and frustration above his
limited attention and understanding of time.
So
here’s the thing, not really a big deal, right? I missed one night of reading
to my kid, he’ll probably still pass 4th grade, right? My son is
1,526 days old. I didn’t read to him on 1 day of his life. I’m not focused on
the other 1,525 days when I did read to him. I’m holding the mistake of the 1.
But gently carrying that one around reminds me of the time that I compromised
my values out of momentary frustration and imposed a consequence that hurt all
of us. So I carry this around, I adjust my behavior, I remember how that
experience felt for all of us, I prioritize my values over moments of
frustration. And I think this is good. Now, I know better and I do better.
Hold these gifts gently, be grateful for them, and give yourself a little grace.