Babies we hold in our hearts

This week was my second child’s first half birthday, I felt all kinds of things. I cried in my car. And I didn’t know how to put what I was feeling into words. But it’s 4am and I’m rocking him and I know what I want to say. 

When I look at my son, of course I see him but I see more than his chubby cheeks and sweet smile. I see the baby I never got to hold. I see the baby YOU never got to hold. I see the baby you got to hold that didn’t make it to a year or even to 6 months. 

I’d relive every one of these days in the past 6 months, even the hard days, maybe even especially the hard days. Because I know what it’s like to not have these days, to feel robbed of these days. 

So if you read this and it tugs at your heart, I see you. I’ll rock a few minutes longer in this moment.  For me. For you. For those babies we hold in our hearts. 

Show up

What does it mean to show up? 

Today was my son’s first day of 1st grade. And I didn’t take him to school today. I was ok last night. I was ok this morning. But I run an early childhood center and today was our first day too. 150 children were dropped off by their parents, grandparents, and au pairs. 

Most children were ok but a handful of children shed some very reasonable tears. Outside my office a young boy was whimpering as his teacher printed off pictures of his family to carry around as comfort. And that was the moment it hit me. I understood his sadness in being apart from his family and realized I did the same thing to my child: sent him out in the world for a necessary transition because I had to. But I immediately teared up and retreated to my office to ponder the hurt that children, including my son, everywhere might be feeling today. The painful separation from the people they love the most. And waves of parent-guilt hit me over and over. How is it possible to show up for my children and have a career too? Did I show up for my son?

My son was asleep when I left so I left him a note to wish him well on his first day. My husband is a stay-at-home dad and took him to school. We met for lunch. I was able to tuck him into bed tonight. I work to provide for our family. I work so his dad can stay home and show up for the first day of school. 

I needed to shift my thinking from questioning whether I showed up for him or not to recognizing that our choices as a family allow us to show up in the way that makes the most sense for him and in the way he needs

In each of my interactions with him today, he didn’t express sadness or loneliness. He was excited to have his dad there and grateful for the parts of the day in which I could be present. tonight as I tucked him in to bed he said, ”I’m glad you teach on Tuesday nights so you can come to my open house tomorrow night.”

My guilt was solely mine. He had exactly what he needed today. And I hope as he grows up his understanding of “showing up” include our family decisions to make it possible for his dad to be there for every moment and his mom showing up for every minute that she can. 

Today this about showing up for my son. But this extends to every important relationship in our lives. 

How are you showing up? Are you able to extend that definition to show up in the way people need you to.