The scars we choose

It’s 2019 and tattoos seemed to be more popular than ever among all demographics. But 20 years ago when I got my first tattoo people often questioned my decision to have a permanent mark on my body. Do you really have something so important it needs to be on your body forever?  How is that going to look in 30 years, 40 years, 50 years? What if you don’t like it later? 

And here’s my answer every time: our bodies tell a story. As we age we collect marks and scars that create a map of our lives. I have stretch marks from my pregnancies, a piece of graphite in my left hand from when my friend accidentally stabbed me during Spanish class in high school, a scar on my chin where I got my first stitches, chicken pox scars... and who knows how many other scars I will acquire as my life unfolds. Most of the scars I didn’t choose are about pain. My life has also been full of strength and love and resilience. My tattoos are the scars that I choose. They are the details of my existence that I select to be on my life map that is my body.   At the end of the day tattoos allow me to control the story that’s told. 

Here are some of my highlights:

Guardian Angel - my first tattoo is an angel that’s positioned on the inside of my left hip. A friend of mine drew it and my two best friends in high school and I got it together after we graduated. It symbolized our loyalty to each other and commitment to taking care of each other even as our lives took different paths. We are still this close, going on 25 years. 

Strength - I grew up in a fairly religious family that prayed regularly. My mom was pretty clear that it was wrong to pray for tangible things, greedy things, lazy things, that we shouldn’t be wasting God’s time  on trivial matters. Because I was brought up this way, throughout the hardest parts of my life there was only one thing I ever prayed for: strength. Strength to work through difficulty, to persevere, to learn from my mistakes, to forgive others. It has been central to my mental and emotional health and the symbol for strength is positioned on the center of my lower back. 

Shamrock - my family is very proud to be Irish, my grandpa in particular. When he passed, I got a shamrock tattooed on the inside on my left wrist. This was my first visible tattoo and it felt really important to me to have a reminder of him where I could see it every day. 

Punctuation - on the back of my left ankle is a vertical punctuation tattoo: dot, dot, comma. This serves two important meanings is my life: first, the three symbols represent the publication of my first three books, a huge professional milestone for me. Second, the three symbols create four punctuation marks, each with their own meaning: period, as a reminder to stop before the disclaimer “smart for a woman”, “strong for a girl”, etc. and instead own that we are simply smart, strong, etc. No disclaimers. Next, colon, a reminder to pay attention to the details, there’s always more to every story. Semi-colon, as a reminder that we are all connected. Comma, as a reminder to breath. 

Mother - at the top of my back is the Celtic symbol for mother. Inside of it is the birthstone for each of my children. 

I choose... I had this statement posted on my office wall for more than 5 years. As a reminder that I don’t always have control over every situation but I ultimately choose how I respond to it. How do we survive trauma and break the cycle? How are we not dragged down by every challenge we face. Every trial and tribulation in our lives can make us bitter or better. It’s about attitude. And conscious decision making. Every day, I choose. I choose my response, I choose to push back against adversity, and I choose to keep pushing toward my goals. I choose. This powerful reminder is now on the inside of my right wrist.

5-peak mountain - my most recent tattoo on my right forearm symbolizes my love for travel, the ten-year anniversary of my mountain hike engagement, and the publication of my fifth book. 

These are important parts of my story. But there’s more to come. More story that I need to tell through the scars that I choose.