A good place to start

There were mixed reviews in my social circle regarding my decision to leave the social media platform for a year. Many people reached out to say they thought about doing the same thing. Most said they were proud of me and thought this was great for me and my family. One bold friend whom I can always trust to speak her mind and be honest with me said leaving Facebook is a cop out and really I just need therapy! She's probably right. But this life-cleansing step seemed cheaper and instantaneous.

Another friend, who deeply understands why I needed to make this shift in my life has since sent me pictures of her adventures, inspiring quotes that made her think of me, thoughtful messages - the kinds of personal interactions I was craving. She also sent me a link to the most fabulous set of questions for self-reflection. Questions which I could respond to with pages and pages of thoughts and reflections - many of which would include an overlap with the reasons I left Facebook.

Here's the list:

http://liveboldandbloom.com/12/self-improvement/deep-questions-to-ask

I encourage you to spend some time on these questions. Maybe one a day.

Today I pick #60: How am I holding back love for myself?

I picked the one because I know the answer but it's a hard question to reflect on and a hard thing to change.

The first thing I have to admit is that it's really difficult for me to forgive myself. To cut myself some slack. To offer a bit of grace in a difficult time. I struggle to allow myself to make mistakes and let go of past failures. And then I carry them around like rocks in a backpack, weighing me down and challenging my ability to move forward. 

I have a tendency to see myself as the mistakes I've made rather than as the successes I've had or the changes I've made as I learned from mistakes. Or even just to accept the general human nature I possess that includes successes and failures. 

It's difficult to look at those who I've wronged or hurt and understand why they're still here, forgiving and loving me. 

I have an unfortunate mental catalog of the wrongs I've committed against others. I can see their looks of disappointment, hurt, anger, and sadness. I remember the words I used that cut too deep. I replay my hurtful actions. One moment in this mental catalog brings on the familiar tightness in my chest sparked by overwhelming feelings of shame, guilt, and self-loathing. And then I circle back to the disbelief that people in my life have continued to love me even after I've made mistakes. 

When I question the presence of the people who choose to stay with me, I'm ultimately questioning the love I deserve. 

In order to love myself, I need to first put the rocks down and shut my mental catalog. Then accept both my human nature to make mistakes and the grace that people around me so generously offer. 

So take a look at this list of questions. Where do want to start being really honest with yourself? By taking a close look at the parts that hurt or the parts of you that need the most work? Or just dip your toe in the water and start with a question that doesn't make your chest tighten?

I know I have a lot of exploring and reflecting to do. And right now, I have lots of time to do it. This list seems like a good place to start.