We’re supposed to

“He’s not the guy I used to know.”

“She’s not the woman I married.”

“I feel like I don’t even know them anymore.”

“We’re not that close anymore, she’s changed so much.”

“I’m not who I was back then, we just don’t have as much in common anymore.”

We often describe relationships as failing or struggling because someone or both people have changed. As if we could go through life, experiencing something new in every hour of every day and somehow remain the same. We change because we are supposed to. It’s unfair and unrealistic to expect someone to stay exactly who they were when you met them. Unfair to them and unfair to you. You’re denying yourself of the evolving greatness of who they are becoming.

The key to making any relationship - be it a friendship, romance, colleague, or family - thrive over time is figuring out how to grow and change together. Or at the very least take a step back and make space for growth to occur, paying attention to the newness with respect and curiosity. Or as 38 Special said, “Hold on loosely, but don’t let go.” The magic is loving someone enough to not hold them back, to love them through the process of living.

In my 14 year relationship with my partner, the gradual changes have been easy. I don’t party nearly as much as or as hard as I used to and that tapered off over time. He is much more progressive in his thinking than when we met but that too was an evolution over time. The sudden changes are harder to accommodate. Like when I found out he’d been listening to Christian music, or when I abruptly went and got multiple new tattoos. My partner is much more skilled at letting me stretch different parts of me and see what fits. I have a greater tendency to say things like, “You’ve never listened to Christian music before, why now?”

But then I think of this little cartoon I found and the value of make space for people to continuously figure out who they are and who they want to be. And to acknowledge that his new hobby doesn’t take anything away from who we are as a couple. In our partnership and as individuals, we are not fixed, not in the way we look or the way we think, not in the way that we feel or act. And that’s a good thing. Every new experience should contribute to an ever-developing sense and performance of who we are.

So of course we’ve changed. We’re supposed to.