Jump or Fall?

For a long time, I thought I was afraid of heights. Driving over bridges gave me shivers and I was inclined to close my eyes. Standing near glass barriers in hotels, shopping malls, or sporting arenas made me anxious and jittery. Over many years, I finally realized it’s not that I’m not afraid of heights, it’s that I don’t trust myself not to jump. The fear of falling is so overwhelming, jumping would be soothing. It is easier to jump with a plan than to fall unexpectedly. 

But wait - I’m not suicidal. I have no other tendencies to harm myself or end my life. So what is this about? I struggled with this a lot. I’m not afraid of heights, I don’t have a death wish. I simply can’t handle the potential of falling and the sheer anticipation of that potential becoming reality. It might not happen but oh, what if it does?!  I’d almost rather just make it happen than wait to see if it was going to happen against my will. Is this rooted in my anxiety? Or my control issues? Or my desire to know how things will end? 

The most important aspect of this revelation about the particulars of my discomfort was recognizing that this parallels the way I live my life. I want to know how suspenseful movies end so I don’t have to deal with the anxious feelings during the movie.  I hope to get the stomach flu when it’s going around because I don’t want the surprise onset. Waiting for relationships to end is almost stressful enough for me to walk away. This is probably the saddest area of my life that this anxiety imposes itself. 

I’m so aware that everyone will leave - by choice or by death. This is the first thing I consider when entering a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a even a work partnership: can I handle waiting for it to end? Engaging is easy, that’s the part that feels good. It’s the end I always have to carefully consider. And sometimes I can handle it. Until I can’t. And then I walk away. Out of fear and anxiety and avoidance of uncomfortable feelings. It is always easier to leave than to be left. You can see it coming. You can brace yourself. It’s easier to jump than to fall. 

Everything is temporary. Can you handle the ride until the fall or does it become too much so you jump to stay in control?