Because it mattered

I have many strengths and qualities that I'm proud of and have contributed to my success as a writer, as a parent, as an educator. However, getting over difficulty and strong emotions is not one of them. I regularly mourn lost relationships - romantic as well as fizzled friendships. I miss my freedom in college. I miss school. I miss being a kid and being with my family. I even miss struggling when money was tight.

My experiences practicing Zen Buddhism inform my awareness that this is due to attachment - the source of all suffering. I attach easily to feelings of love and being valued with an intense desire for feelings and people to stay exactly as they are. Despite that desire, the reality is everything and everyone is changing all the time.

Part of my Zen Buddhist practice, is regularly reading, reciting, and embracing the Five Remembrances (Thich Naht Hanh):

"I am of the nature to grow old; there is no way to escape growing old.
I am of the nature to have ill health; there is no way to escape ill health.
I am of the nature to die; there is no way to escape death.
All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change; there is no way to escape being separated from them.
My actions are my only true belongings; I cannot escape the consequence of my actions; my actions are the ground on which I stand."

Sometimes this helps and sometimes it doesn't but I've come to accept that my longing for previous relationships and experiences is indicative of the influence they've had on my life. The moments that linger in my mind were powerful, emotional, and impacted the trajectory of my life.
And sometimes when those really special, powerful moments of my life are over, it hurts a little. Sometimes it hurts a lot. The magnitude of loss is comparable to the depth of the value of that moment. It hurts because it mattered.