Babies we hold in our hearts

This week was my second child’s first half birthday, I felt all kinds of things. I cried in my car. And I didn’t know how to put what I was feeling into words. But it’s 4am and I’m rocking him and I know what I want to say. 

When I look at my son, of course I see him but I see more than his chubby cheeks and sweet smile. I see the baby I never got to hold. I see the baby YOU never got to hold. I see the baby you got to hold that didn’t make it to a year or even to 6 months. 

I’d relive every one of these days in the past 6 months, even the hard days, maybe even especially the hard days. Because I know what it’s like to not have these days, to feel robbed of these days. 

So if you read this and it tugs at your heart, I see you. I’ll rock a few minutes longer in this moment.  For me. For you. For those babies we hold in our hearts. 

Show up

What does it mean to show up? 

Today was my son’s first day of 1st grade. And I didn’t take him to school today. I was ok last night. I was ok this morning. But I run an early childhood center and today was our first day too. 150 children were dropped off by their parents, grandparents, and au pairs. 

Most children were ok but a handful of children shed some very reasonable tears. Outside my office a young boy was whimpering as his teacher printed off pictures of his family to carry around as comfort. And that was the moment it hit me. I understood his sadness in being apart from his family and realized I did the same thing to my child: sent him out in the world for a necessary transition because I had to. But I immediately teared up and retreated to my office to ponder the hurt that children, including my son, everywhere might be feeling today. The painful separation from the people they love the most. And waves of parent-guilt hit me over and over. How is it possible to show up for my children and have a career too? Did I show up for my son?

My son was asleep when I left so I left him a note to wish him well on his first day. My husband is a stay-at-home dad and took him to school. We met for lunch. I was able to tuck him into bed tonight. I work to provide for our family. I work so his dad can stay home and show up for the first day of school. 

I needed to shift my thinking from questioning whether I showed up for him or not to recognizing that our choices as a family allow us to show up in the way that makes the most sense for him and in the way he needs

In each of my interactions with him today, he didn’t express sadness or loneliness. He was excited to have his dad there and grateful for the parts of the day in which I could be present. tonight as I tucked him in to bed he said, ”I’m glad you teach on Tuesday nights so you can come to my open house tomorrow night.”

My guilt was solely mine. He had exactly what he needed today. And I hope as he grows up his understanding of “showing up” include our family decisions to make it possible for his dad to be there for every moment and his mom showing up for every minute that she can. 

Today this about showing up for my son. But this extends to every important relationship in our lives. 

How are you showing up? Are you able to extend that definition to show up in the way people need you to. 

What do you pray for?

I grew up catholic with a pretty religious mom and extended family. I remember very specific guidance around prayer- you pray everyday to protect your eternal existence, you pray to say thanks for everything you have because you are guaranteed nothing, you pray for what other people need that they don’t have, and you never ever pray for things, no matter how bad you want them. God does not exist to help us get barbies, find your car keys you misplaced, or to help you get a convertible like your neighbors that you’ve been coveting. 

As my relationship with God fluctuated over the years, this was a key thing that stuck with me. In the hardest years of my adolescence and young adulthood,  God was central to how I lived my life and I prayed for exactly one thing: strength. Strength to make it through the temporary hard moment, strength to be better than I was yesterday, strength to forgive the people that hurt me. Strength in all forms and in all moments but that was all I needed. 

While I am no less grateful or humble in my requests, I rarely go to church or pray. In fact, it’s possible for months to go by without praying. And I’m ok with that. I think there are other ways to take care of each other and ourselves, namely practicing gratitude and living our values. 

The other night I found myself in silent prayer as the sister-in-law I am closest to was heading into the hospital to deliver her third baby. There was no reason for concern or worry but I found myself silently pleading for safe labor and delivery for both my niece and her mother. My emotional pull into that prayerful moment was likely fueled by my own recent delivery and the complicated blend of fear and anticipation and joy that comes with welcoming a new baby into the world. 

But it got me thinking about my relationship with prayer. And wondering how often I actually seize a quiet moment to throw positive energy into the universe on behalf of the people I love or my own wellbeing. As a mother of two, I’m guessing it’s actually pretty often. Sometimes we call it hope. I hope my husband drives carefully, I hope my sons don’t get hurt, I hope my parents live many more years and in good health. Those moments of hope, when I’m wishing for the best, and putting good energy out there aren’t that far off from the way I would drop to me knees at the edge of my bed each night before I went to sleep when I was a child. 

Call it prayer, call it wish, call it hope. What is the big ask you have right now for you or your loved ones? What is it that you pray for? 

Just here. Just now. Just this.

I have 2 children, a husband, a new full time job supervising 50 people, an adjunct teaching position with 4 course each semseter, 3 board positions, a volunteer position, and a circle of family and friends that is very dear to me. It’s a lot, no question. I swear by “to do“ lists, efficient time management, and a solid support team. 

In addition to my professional and personal commitments, I feel emotionally impacted by larger human issues: our country’s polarized political landscape, issues around social justice, global warming, the frequency of acts of violence in the community, and a helplessness in fighting for a future I believe our children deserve. 

My Zen Buddhist practice deserves more attention than it gets but when things get busy, one of the most valuable lessons surfaces: just here, just now, just this. A reminder that we are at our best, most connected, most effective when we are present. I can zero in on the moment I’m in, the people I’m with, and the task with which I’m am faced. 

I pay attention to my breathing, minimize distractions, lean into the problems I’m facing, remember that I can do hard things, and embrace the reality that I am imperfect. 

I can’t solve all of the world’s problems. There is a limit to the number of commitments I can accommodate. Everything is temporary. Experiences matter more than things. I will make mistakes. Relationships matter more than moments of difficulty. 

I need to periodically refocus, prioritize, and breathe. By leaning into the moment, I am prepared for each additional moment. 

Can you relate? Start right where you are. Just here. Just now. Just this. 

I need you

I need your hugs to comfort me.

I need my family to lift me up when I’m down.

I need my friends to help me work though my problems.

I need my neighbors to look out for me.

I need smiles from people passing by.

I need kind gestures from strangers.

I need you.

I don’t say this often enough. But it’s true. I need you. 

Just as you are. Whatever it is that you have to offer.

If you’re reading this, you are needed.

So many people I know struggle with anxiety. Depression. Contemplating suicide. But you are so important. To me, to the people around you. To the people you don’t even know that need you. 

In those moments that you struggle the most, remember that you are needed. And tell someone that you need them too. They just might need to hear it as much as you do. 

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Our oldest son is 6 1/2 - way too young to talk about sex, right? Right?! We just had a baby four months ago so he understands a little bit and we've never shied away from terms like vagina, vulva, penis, and so on. We've been really open about bodies, but sex is an entirely different ball game, that's about sensations and relationships. When is it too soon to talk about sex? When is it too late? And how do you know?! Spoiler alert, there's no magic answer! But it's about knowing your child and know your values so we're about to explore both!

Determine your values around sex.

What is it that you truly want to instill in your child when it comes to sex? My parents preached abstinence. A completely valid emphasis and pretty standard in my Catholic community. But, like many other teens in the history of time, I did not take my parents words on faith, I challenged them and pushed boundaries, certain I knew enough to make my own decisions. I wish my parents had talked to me about respecting my body and setting high standards for myself when it came to relationships. 

In our family, we value consent first. And we've modeled this in non-sexual ways from the time our children were little. Sometimes my son doesn't want a hug. I want to hug him so bad because I love him so much and I had a really long day at work and we always hug when I get home... still his body, still his choice. And I respect it every time. I could go on and on about this and maybe I will in my next post. But you get the point, in our family we think sex is a healthy normal part of being human, but first and foremost it must be something all parties agree to, every time. 

Watch for cues that your child might be curious

Children are naturally curious about everything! Paying attention to what they are asking but not reading into it is really important. When a child asks where a baby comes from, they are not necessarily asking you to explain relationship intimacy. Last year when my son was five, he came to me and said, "Mom, can I talk to you? When my penis is hard, should I push it up or down when I pull up my underwear?" Come on, I have no idea! But what a great opportunity for me to recognize that my son trusts me enough to come to me and talk about his body and for me to make a mental note that he's noticing his body changing.  

Pay attention to what your child and their friends are watching
Wow technology is different now than it was when we were kids! Last week we were at my son's cousins' house and after they were in the play room for a while, one of the kids casually mentioned that they were watching YouTube. My jaw hit the floor. My sister-in-law assured me that they have parental controls on but it was a big wake up call for me that we need to check with every parent about the independent, private access children have to technology and what kinds of controls are in place. The big issue here is that you can't undo what children see. Whether it is sex or violence or something graphic, we can't undo the visual, it remains locked in their memories. So prevention is key. 

Ask questions but avoid leading

This is tricky. We often ask questions from our adult perspective and offer more information than we need to. Following this incident with my son's cousins I asked him if he understood that there are some things that are appropriate for adults and not for children. He said he did so I asked for examples and he said things that are dangerous or scary. This seemed like a good place to start but what I really wanted to know was if he understood that he can't watch porn but I wasn't sure if I should bring up the topic of sex. Would I be introducing something he's not yet aware of and instead of helping him understand his limits, peek his curiosity? I decided this was a good start to sorting adult vs. child content. But at some point, we're going to have to figure when and how to bring up sex as adult content. 

Avoid shaming your child's ideas and body

Nothing makes someone shut down faster than shame! Bodies are interesting and weird! And if we can establish some comfort level in talking about them, we are more likely to support children in having respectful intimate relationships and they are more likely to come to us with questions. My parents never talked about bodies in useful ways. I never saw my mom in anything less than fully clothed. Bodies were meant to be hidden. My mom never even burped when I was a kid. (Come on, everyone burps.) Even more shame was placed on me when I got my period. My mom definitely made me feel dirty, handed me a pad, and warned me that I was going to be unbearable every month from then on. I carried all of these ideas into my relationships. I'm 37 and still trying to undo this internalized shame about my body.

Accept that your child is going to make mistakes 
Guess what, your child is human, just like you! And part of that is making mistakes. Mistakes can be great learning opportunities or mistakes can drastically alter the course of one's life. Helping your child recognize and anticipate consequences can be really helpful. And controlling your disappointment in your child will be essential to maintaining a trusting relationship with them. My parents expected me to be perfect, they didn't help me work through mistakes, I just learned to lie better to avoid their disappointment. 

Get on the same page as the other people in your parenting team
It is absolutely essential for you and the people you parent with to have an understanding of how you are going to approach this topic. It would be ideal for everyone to share the same approach but even if you don't knowing where the other person stands eliminates confusion and mixed messages for your child.

Pick the right time
Any tough topic is easier to discuss out of the moment of anger, embarrassment, frustration, etc. It is always easier to discuss something casually and hypothetically when it is not actually happening.
Additionally, it's hard to find that balance between giving too much information too soon or offering it when it is too late. It is likely that age 6 1/2 is early to start talking about sex but I was in second grade when I started acting out sex with my barbies. I also thought it was possible to get pregnant from kissing and was stressed for a very long time after an older neighbor boy tried to kiss me. Information and trusting my parents would've been really useful at that time. 

Be a safe, trusted resource for your child

When my son and I had the discussion about adult vs. child content, instead of bring up sex, I asked him what he would do if he saw something that was for adults because the reality is, we aren't always going to be there looking over his shoulder. He said he could talk to an adult or walk away. Which is a great answer and I hope he'll choose one of those options. I reminded him that when he lets us know about something that was confusing or scary or strange, it helps us figure out how to help him understand. 

Do your best. 

All parents make mistakes, ALL of us. If things don't go the way you want them to, you will likely have another chance! Reflect, discuss with your people, and try a different approach next time. Every parent-child relationship is unique, there's no absolute right way to raise your child.

It's hard to imagine talking about sex with my baby. But not talking about it isn't going to prevent him from growing up. Finding the right way and time for us as a family to approach this issue will ensure the most likely path to him having healthy relationships with us and his future intimate partners. 

Wheels Up

Everyone knows the most dangerous part of flying is taking off and landing. In both, there is a precarious, lingering moment when the front wheels are off the ground but the back wheels are still touching the ground. This is pivotal - the shift from steady ground to taking flight and the return to stability again. This is the part of the flight that people are most nervous about. People often grip the armrests, pray, hold the hand of the person next to them, sleep, or distract themselves with music or games. Anything to calm their uncertainties between the shift in stability and risk of taking off and heading somewhere new. 

We spend a lot of our lives in this position - on the cusp of launching into new endeavors with an anchor to the familiar. The lingering moment of anticipation right before our dreams take flight. A complex instant  of questioning, "How is this going to go?" "Is this the right moment to make this transition?" “Have we taken all the necessary steps to prepare for this journey?” and, of course the instigator of all doubt: “What if it fails?”

As nerve wrecking as it is, this is the moment that really counts. The moment where you exercise faith in your readiness and the value of the risk that you’re taking. It has worked every single time in the past but the tiny jittery feeling at the pit of your stomach is still there, reminding you this could fail. 

It is probable that during takeoff on a plane, a flight attendant  will say "we apologize for any turbulence". But, truly, it is as inevitable on a plane as it is in life. We can't do amazing things without experiencing some shifts, some bumps, some unexpected moments. It is these moments of shifting and holding faith through the turbulence that develop our character and strength and open the doors for the next steps. And you learn to trust your sense of distinguishing between typical challenges along the way and absolute failure. You’re not going to crash every time you wobble a bit. 

The next time you’re facing a major transition in life and you reach that moment when you have to decide to stay in your comfort zone or lift off into something new, embrace that tingly pause where uncertainty lives,  remember the risk is always worth it and the uncertainty is temporary. Hold on, say a little prayer, turn on some good music. Then, wheels up!