By Your Scars

There’s a classic story about a father teaching his son a lesson about anger and the permanent damage we can do with our words. It’s called “The Fence”. You probably know it but in case you don’t, here it is:

There was boy who had a bad temper, struggling to control his hurtful words and actions. 

His father gave the boy a bag of nails and told him every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into their wood fence. 

The first day, the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, 

he discovered that it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. 

As he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. 

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. 

His dad now had him remove one nail for each day that he controlled his temper. 

It took months, one by one, removing a nail for each day but finally all of the nails were gone.  

The father took his son by the hand, led him to the fence and said, "You have done well. But look at the holes in the fence. They fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar, just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. 

It won't matter how many time you say "I'm sorry", the wound is still there.

-Anonymous 

 

This story of course has a great lesson about the long term impact we can have when we are reckless with our words and actions. Even if we feel bad, apologize, and are forgiven, some scars will always remain. 

But this story also provides a metaphor with the damaged fence representing a damaged person. And while we should definitely be careful with one another, the scars we bear become who we are. They are our stories and what makes us unique. We don't see each other as polished pieces of wood, each alike and flawless. We fit together with our friends, chosen family, and partners by the way they see and tend to our scars.  The way they make space for our heartaches, hold our pain, and look straight in the eye of our adversity and don't look away. 

I know you have your scars. 

I know the places it hurts. 

I don't wish those parts of you away. 

I know you by your scars. 

On loss and being IN sadness.

This past fall, my family experienced devastating loss of people we loved.  First, the unexpected death of my husband's 30-yr-old sister. If it were even possible to get over this kind of loss, we certainly weren't when my maternal grandma went into the hospital, followed by my paternal grandma a few hours later. They both died later that week - an incredibly difficult and emotional week for all of us. Even as I type this several months later, it's hard to believe they're all gone. It's almost as if I haven't processed the individual loss of each because it happened all at once. 

I have the incredible blessing of a large and kind support system. I was so moved by the outpouring of love from the people around me. Despite that, my heart was broken, I cried a lot, and sometimes I struggled to keep my shit together. My tribe loved me anyway. 

In a moment where grief and gratitude tangled, I wrote this down for my people:

So this is it, right? This is life. We get older, people we love leave us. It hurts because it mattered. It hurts because we loved. 

This week has been sad and painful and hard. But, I heard your kind words. I'm comforted by your thoughts and prayers. I'm encouraged by your strength and generosity to take care of the things I can't right now. 

As much as my heart is breaking in this moment, I can feel how it is been held together by your kindness and love. 

I've not been waiting for this day or this week to pass and become a distant memory. Because this is life right here. All of it right at once. The really hard stuff but also the really good stuff. Thanks for showing up for both. #tribe 

Often as time passes, the rawness of emotions begins to fade. I periodically reread this message I wrote and remember how much I needed the people that held me up during that time - and how they didn't hesitate to show up.