I hate Christmas

I catch a lot of heat for this. I work with children, therefore I should love all things that other people think are "fun". I have two children therefore I should love bringing the "joy of Christmas" into their lives. And who hates Christmas?!

Bah humbug. Scrooge they call me.

But no one ever asks why I hate it.

I didn't always hate Christmas. When I was little, I kinda loved Christmas. It was always filled with love and smiles and the people that were most important to me. We went to church and it was the only time my dad ever came with us. He cooked a big breakfast and the smell of bacon filled the house. I can still hear the sound of my Grandpa's deep, melodic voice singing Christmas hymns in church even though he passed away almost a decade ago. Of course, there was an occasional argument when my sister got a present that I really wanted or when we made my mom late for church. But for the most part, it was a pretty happy day in our house.

Like millions of children, Christmas changed when my parents got divorced. Alternating years between them deprived us of a tradition to look forward to. For years, Christmas with my dad was in a hotel and there was almost always no restaurants open to eat at. It was always tense when my parents made the hand-off of the goods - us, the children. As if we were a product to be delivered as opposed to tiny important people to be loved and embraced. My dad remarried but my mom never did. So any time we were with my dad, I worried about my mom being alone. My mom struggled to make ends meet and I always felt bad for her that she could never give us as much as she wanted to or as much as my dad did. All the excitement of Christmas turned into disappointment. And Christmas became, not something to look forward to, but something to survive.

This all sounds familiar, right? A story literally millions of children could tell.

As I got older, I became aware of the broader tensions that Christmas brought in our society. Not everyone celebrates Christmas causing the religions and values of many people to be overlooked at this time of year. Many families go into debt to "show" their love for other people. Some children get big elaborate gifts from Santa, some children get nothing. Well-meaning parents often use "Santa" as a bribe or a threat to get their children to behave. More recently, the "elf on the shelf" brings an added "big brother" layer to the month but also the competitive layer for parents to outdo each other with creative and clever setups for the mischievous elf and then post them on social media. Balancing family events and family conflicts is complicated and stressful.

And for those of us that don't love Christmas, we are bombarded with decorations, music, and social pressure for two whole months. It is well known that this time of year is hard for many people as they mourn loved ones that have passed or they mourn relationships that are struggling. Or they struggle to pay the bills and buy gifts and keep up with all of the social pressures and unrealistic expectations. This is a peak time for depression, anxiety, and suicide.

I hate that Christmas never felt like it looked in the movies.
I hate that Christmas was a bargaining tool to manipulate behavior.
I hate that Christmas was more often disappointing than not.
I hate that Christmas hurts.
I hate that I can't bring back all the Christmas's that felt good.

Sometimes I even hate that I hate Christmas.

But most of all, I hate that I feel like I'm not allowed to.

So, if you hate Christmas too, that's ok.

And if you know someone that hates Christmas, make space for them to hate it. They likely have their reasons and it's not your role to try and change their mind.

Thank you for correcting me

What is it about our human nature that wants us to be right? Ego? Arrogance? Confirmation bias? What is at stake for us when someone is giving us feedback? Are our relationships so flimsy? Our identities so fragile that we can't accept a nudge back on the right path? And at what point in our lives are any of us so absolutely right that it would warrant us to be caught off guard by someone having more accurate information than we have?

When it comes to being corrected, while I often can take feedback well when I'm anticipating it, I struggle more when I'm not seeking it out. In which case, I have three basic responses (all of which seem to be unnecessarily protecting my fragile sense of self):

I'm right, you're wrong. I'm an expert. I'm almost always right so it would make sense that I'm right this time too. Wow, if that isn't some murky logic! It makes sense that we would talk about things we know well. I'm certainly not going to speak on a topic that I know nothing about (fantasy football, soccer, hunting, heating and cooling systems... the list goes on). So when I do speak, it's usually because I'm confident that I know what I'm talking about. But that confidence is exaggerated to think that there might not be a moment my expertise could be corrected.

Your rightness doesn't interest me. Whatever detail you're pointing out is insignificant, or I'm going to at least pretend it is to continue protecting my unstable ego. This is probably the most common response and possibly the most unfair. I could be taking the wrong route to a friend's house and if my partner corrects me I brush him off  as though I can't be bothered with the safest, fastest, most efficient route. I'm much more concerned with staying on the path of "I'm always right". There are times it's a wonder that anyone can even fit in the car with this level of ego-centrism sucking up all the oxygen.

I get defensive. And sometimes I place the blame on other people.  This was all the information I had to work with so not my fault that I didn't know better. True or not, I can tell you from experience, this is not a relationship building approach. Of course it's uncomfortable when someone else's actions or complacency impacts the impression people have of us. But that doesn't require combativeness to sort through.

Don't I sound like a delightful person to be around?!

So, I'm working on this. Attempting to approach everything with the possibility that there may be a nugget of information, another perspective, someone else's truth that could complete my interpretation of a situation. It moves me to pause and instead of resorting to one of my three responses, instead I think, "How can I hold this information with mine?" And I breathe. That's it. Because more often than not, people are trying to be helpful. And what someone is giving to me isn't discrediting what I know, it's merely adding to it and I'm genuinely grateful. And then I can, with authenticity, say to the person in front of me, "thank you for correcting me".