By Your Scars

There’s a classic story about a father teaching his son a lesson about anger and the permanent damage we can do with our words. It’s called “The Fence”. You probably know it but in case you don’t, here it is:

There was boy who had a bad temper, struggling to control his hurtful words and actions. 

His father gave the boy a bag of nails and told him every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into their wood fence. 

The first day, the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, 

he discovered that it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. 

As he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. 

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. 

His dad now had him remove one nail for each day that he controlled his temper. 

It took months, one by one, removing a nail for each day but finally all of the nails were gone.  

The father took his son by the hand, led him to the fence and said, "You have done well. But look at the holes in the fence. They fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar, just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. 

It won't matter how many time you say "I'm sorry", the wound is still there.

-Anonymous 

 

This story of course has a great lesson about the long term impact we can have when we are reckless with our words and actions. Even if we feel bad, apologize, and are forgiven, some scars will always remain. 

But this story also provides a metaphor with the damaged fence representing a damaged person. And while we should definitely be careful with one another, the scars we bear become who we are. They are our stories and what makes us unique. We don't see each other as polished pieces of wood, each alike and flawless. We fit together with our friends, chosen family, and partners by the way they see and tend to our scars.  The way they make space for our heartaches, hold our pain, and look straight in the eye of our adversity and don't look away. 

I know you have your scars. 

I know the places it hurts. 

I don't wish those parts of you away. 

I know you by your scars. 

I Will Not

Image credit: www.vecteezy.com 

I will not.

I will not suffer through this pandemic.

I will not...
                  ...succumb to sadness

                  ...linger on things that aren't happening right

                  ...fear what I do not know

                  ...wallow in self-loathing

                  ...struggle alone

                  ...try to convince myself that my feelings aren't real

                  ...get caught up in other people's struggles

                  ...take for granted my privileges

                  ...drown in my anxious thoughts

                  ...dwell on wishing this wasn't happening
           
                  ...revert to unhealthy or dangerous coping strategies

                  ...forget that people still need me to show up for them

                  ...waste this opportunity to slow down

                  ...feel the pressure to accomplish something

                  ...judge others for how the handle uncertainty

                  ...abandon my values

                  ...let this temporary be my permanent

I will not let something out of my control, control me.

I will not be shaken.

I will not.

Don't say the C-word

You know the one. It's March 19th, 2020. You know the c-word we're all tired of hearing. It's kept us in our homes, children are out of school, there's a shortage on toilet paper. And no shortage of advice right now.

Don't take in too much social media. Stay on social media to be connected.
Don't feel like you have to be a teacher to your child. Be sure your child doesn't fall behind.
Don't go out into public. Keep going to work.
Don't fall for the hyped up media. Take this seriously.
Practice. Self. Care. Don't know what that is right now?

Here's my advice for you: Don't take my advice. Do you.

This is hard for all of us and what makes you feel better and able to function is going to be different.

For me:

I like information. It's soothing for me to understand what is happening.

I take walks every day. Even just 15 minutes. It feels good to breath and feel a sense of infinite space outside.

I play hard with my kids. We dance, we wrestle, we play board games. I run a child care center providing care to a major medical system. It is beyond stressful right now. I need to set it down for an hour and just be a mom.

I dance all the way to work to as loud and empowering music as I can find. Currently loving "Salt" by Ava Max and "Don't Start Now" by Dua Lipa.

I cry all the way home from work. Because the days are long. And it makes me feel good. And it would be so weird not to feel something right now.

I cuddle with my husband. We have had a great sex life for the 14 years we've been together. But right now this feels different. I know I'm not fully present for him due to my stress. But I also need the calm physical contact to bring me back into my body.

I take a shower every day and put on make up and wear cute shoes and my favorite accessories. Because when I show up fully and fabulous, I don't feel like so much is being taken from me.

Naming these things that are providing me comfort and relief helped me realize I don't need anyone else's list of how to squeeze in a gratitude FB post every day, vigorous exercise, write a note to 5 people, and so on. If that's your list, good, keep doing it.

And if it helps you, don't say the c-word. But if it does help, feel free to say all the c-words right now.